I didn't shave. On purpose
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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