I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
