Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Who died my cat blue again?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
