just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
