Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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