Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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