The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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