Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
