i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
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