I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
