Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
