We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
40s are totally the cure
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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