Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
