Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
