Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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