we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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