Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Terrible idea I love it
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
