I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
