Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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