after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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