the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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