Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
