an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize