I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
