Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
