It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
