I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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