He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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