Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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