Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
