she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
