I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
