It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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