Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize