remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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