You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
