i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
