The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
