I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
