if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize