She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
