Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
