I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
