first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
