The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
