this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
