I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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