I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
