no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
