If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
