Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
