My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
