i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
