Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
