my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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