I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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