i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
