I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
