Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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