Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
