I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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