It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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