What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
