I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
