Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I can't turn off my feet"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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