textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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