just tell him i said nine months
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
